Moving a Parent to Assisted Living: A Family Guide

Moving a parent to assisted living is emotionally challenging for everyone involved. This comprehensive guide helps you navigate difficult conversations, manage emotions, plan the transition, and ensure your parent settles successfully into their new Douglas County community.

Before the Conversation: Prepare Yourself

Acknowledge Your Own Emotions

It's normal to feel:

• Guilt: "Am I abandoning my parent?" (You're not—you're ensuring their safety)
• Grief: Sadness about their declining independence and life changes
• Relief: Knowing they'll be safe and cared for (this is okay to feel!)
• Anxiety: Worry about their adjustment and happiness
• Overwhelm: The logistics and decisions feel daunting

Do Your Research First

Before discussing with your parent:

• Tour 3-5 assisted living communities (see our choosing guide)
• Understand costs and payment options (financial guide)
• Document specific safety incidents or concerns
• Talk with siblings or family to align on the decision
• Consider timing (avoid holidays or stressful periods)

Having "The Conversation"

Choose the Right Time and Place

• Pick a calm, unhurried time when everyone is rested
• Choose a comfortable, private setting
• Avoid discussing immediately after incidents or arguments
• Don't ambush them—give a heads-up that you want to talk about care options
• Include other family members your parent trusts

Conversation Starters That Work

Focus on benefits, not deficits:

• "I've been thinking about ways to make life easier for you—no more cooking, cleaning, or yard work. What do you think about exploring some options?"
• "I know you've been lonely since Dad passed. Would you be open to looking at communities where you could make new friends?"
• "I'm worried about you being alone here, especially after your recent fall. Can we talk about safer living arrangements?"
• "Your doctor mentioned that having more support might help with managing your medications. Let's explore what that could look like."

What to Say (and Not Say)

Handling Resistance and Objections

Common objections and how to respond:

Getting Doctor Support

A recommendation from a trusted physician can be powerful. Consider:

• Speaking with the doctor privately before an appointment about your concerns
• Asking the doctor to bring up assisted living during the visit
• Having the doctor emphasize safety benefits and social engagement
• Getting a written recommendation if resistance is strong

Involving Your Parent in the Decision

Tour Communities Together

When possible, include your parent in tours:

• Let them see the environment isn't institutional or depressing
• Encourage them to talk with current residents
• Stay for a meal so they can experience dining
• Attend an activity or social event
• Give them agency in choosing which community feels right

Focus on What They Gain

Frame the move positively:

• "You'll have friends to play cards with every day"
• "No more shoveling snow or mowing the lawn!"
• "Chef-prepared meals without cooking or dishes"
• "Transportation to go shopping or to appointments"
• "Activities and outings built into every day"
• "Emergency help available 24/7 if you need it"

Planning the Move

Timeline (8-12 Weeks Before Move)

Downsizing Tips

Reducing a lifetime of belongings is emotionally difficult:

• Start early: Don't wait until the last minute
• Focus on favorites: Keep cherished items, photos, comfortable furniture
• Measure carefully: Ensure furniture fits in new space
• Take photos: Of items you can't keep but want to remember
• Include your parent: In decisions about what to keep (unless cognitive impairment prevents this)
• Donate thoughtfully: Give items to charities meaningful to your parent
• Don't rush: Allow time to process emotional attachments

Making the New Apartment Feel Like Home

• Bring familiar furniture (favorite chair, bed, dresser)
• Display family photos throughout
• Hang familiar artwork or décor
• Use their existing bedding and linens
• Set up room layout similar to previous home if possible
• Include favorite hobbies/books/collections
• Consider their pet if community allows

Move-In Day and First Weeks

Move-In Day Tips

• Stay positive: Your emotions are contagious—project optimism
• Don't linger: Long, emotional goodbyes can be harder; keep it upbeat
• Help them settle: Unpack together, hang pictures, make the bed
• Meet neighbors and staff: Introduce yourselves and start building connections
• Attend first meal together: Ease into dining room routine
• Sign up for activities: Register for programs matching their interests

The Adjustment Period (Expect 3-6 Months)

Most seniors need 3-6 months to fully adjust to assisted living. During this time:

What to expect:

• Initial excitement followed by homesickness or regret
• Complaints about food, noise, other residents, or rules
• Requests to "just come home" or move out
• Withdrawal or reluctance to participate at first
• Gradual warming up as friendships form

How to help:

• Visit regularly (but not excessively—allow independence)
• Encourage participation in activities and meals
• Be patient with complaints (acknowledge feelings without immediately agreeing to move them out)
• Celebrate small wins ("You mentioned a new friend! Tell me about them.")
• Maintain boundaries if they try to guilt you into taking them home
• Communicate with staff about concerns or struggles

After the Transition

Staying Connected

• Visit regularly but not daily (balance connection with independence)
• Call between visits to check in
• Attend community events with them occasionally
• Include them in family gatherings and holidays
• Encourage visits from grandchildren, friends, and other family
• Respect their new routines and friendships

Monitoring Care Quality

• Vary your visit times to see community at different hours
• Check in with care staff about any concerns
• Notice your parent's hygiene, mood, and health
• Attend care plan meetings
• Address problems promptly with management
• Build relationships with staff who care for your parent

When the Move Doesn't Go Well

If after several months your parent is genuinely unhappy or the community isn't meeting their needs:

• Meet with community leadership to address specific concerns
• Consider whether a different community might be better fit
• Evaluate if care level is appropriate (maybe they need memory care instead)
• Talk honestly with your parent about realistic alternatives
• Don't be afraid to make a change if truly necessary

Taking Care of Yourself

This transition is hard on you too. Remember to:

• Allow yourself to grieve the changes
• Let go of guilt—you're doing the right thing
• Accept that you can't fix everything or make them completely happy
• Lean on siblings, friends, or support groups
• Celebrate the relief of knowing they're safe
• Recognize that your relationship will evolve, not end